So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
