How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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