I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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