It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
