i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
