Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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