That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
