Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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