Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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