if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
