Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
