please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
It's just like the Real World with babies
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
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