the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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