So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
