well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
