I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
