Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
