That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize
