The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
