Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
