my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
