Michael Bay diarrhea
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
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