you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
