I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
