I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
