In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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