I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
