I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
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