I just saw a hot homeless man
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Randomize
