Your favorite bartender is back from prision
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
