Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
