I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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