her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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