Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
