Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
