Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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