sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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