There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
