I accidentally burped into my bong.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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