Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
