So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
