I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
