I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I need mimosas to revive my soul
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
