Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
