is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
