dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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