I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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