how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Randomize
