I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
