If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
