I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Randomize
